all my mistakes
sometimes my dad can’t sleep, he stays up at night thinking about all the choices he has made and just lays there wondering where he has gone wrong. learning this made me sad, made me wonder why he would regret the choices that led him to mom and john and katie and me. I was afraid that if he worried hard enough something would change in our collective history and I would be returned to the ever of whatever came before me.
most of my nights are sleepless too because I don’t feel free. and I don’t feel seen (I don’t see myself). and I wonder where I went wrong. (is that normal? and will this ever stop?).
I haven’t had anything to write about or talk about or piece-together about in a long time. I haven’t felt moved, not in my soul or my heart or my feet.
people tend to lose their minds when they try to make their first feature film and I am realizing how that insanity manifested within me in so many subtle and unexpected ways. I really lost it (I lost myself). I felt inadequate and afraid every single day of my life. not just a small tinge of worry, it was a wave that flooded every inch of my thoughts. and that rippled into my friendships and my communication skills and my ideas of what I thought I wanted for three years of my life. and now that it’s done and we’re showing this thing that we made to people it feels incredibly anticlimactic. It feels like nothing at all, actually. (is that bad to say?)
I started something I wasn’t ready for. but I’m glad I started it and I don’t want anything to change in our collective history, I don’t want to return it to the ever. I am still clearing the water out of the crevasses of my toes (I know that I don’t have to let the water in next time//I can bring a lifejacket).
I’m excited to start a new project. it’s the opposite of the former and I don’t think that’s by accident. there are no expectations, no waiting audience, it is personal and when I think about it my heart warms and soars. It is my little secret lover of a project, an elopement without the contractual binding. It is my salvation, my savior. It is leaving new york city, it is westward, it is homeward.
the decision to leave new york felt like a flood of something else, it felt like life itself (what is that made of?). whatever it is cried me to sleep for four nights straight, which made space for love and hope and ambition again. I suddenly loved my friends (my east coast family) deeper, I loved them with the romance of joan didion (because it’s harder to see the ends of things). but new york is ending for me, and there is some shame in that. and I mask the shame with ramblings of new dreams (which terrify and excite me) and sometimes those words feel like what people say when they are left. It’s not the city, it’s me.
I hope that what I love stops trying to drown me because I have no idea what I’m doing (is that still ok?).
The first official trailer for To the Moon, an “intimate portrait of eighteen college friends who, inspired by the cooperative movement, embark on a two wheeled odyssey across America and discover how hard it is to chase a dream.” This gorgeous film traces the journey of Co-cycle, an organization founded in part by Hampshire students and alums.
women taken by the wind
an international film production collective based in new york city, tbilisi and taipei. we are curious artists who believe in the beauty and power of the human story.
i headed west, i was a man on the move